Words are powerful. They can empower and disempower, build up, and tear down. Words can change the way you think and feel about yourself and the people in your life.
A big part of having a balanced life is to have balanced relationships. A balanced relationship is one where both you and the other person (whether it’s your partner, sibling, parent, or friend) contribute relatively equally to the relationship.
A balanced relationship is also one where both people respect each other. And words are an essential part of showing mutual respect.
Words and Relationships
I remember watching a few episodes of All In The Family when I was a kid. The main character (Archie Bunker, played by Carroll O’Connor) was a blue-collar white male who lived in Queens, New York. He was portrayed as an outspoken, narrow-minded man who disliked people that did not share his ideas. The show broke ground in the ’70s as it addressed a variety of socially taboo topics. The show was a huge hit and was on the air for nine seasons.
One of the things I remember about Archie was all the nicknames he had for people. For example, he often referred to his son-in-law (Rob Reiner) as “Meathead” and his wife as “The old lady,” “The old bag,” or “Dingbat.” Whenever Archie used these nicknames, you could hear perfectly timed studio laughter in the background.
The thing is, many of us still hear these phrases today. For example, My old man, My worse half, or My Idiot Husband/Wife are just some of the references I hear in my therapy sessions.
The obvious question to ask a client might be, “How do you think she feels when you call her by that name?”
But another question worth asking is, “How do you feel about her when you call her by that name?”
Then, I’ll follow up with, “How do you think the words you use to describe your partner affects the way you interact with her? And, how do you think it affects the way she interacts with you?”
The Tasmanian Devil
Years ago, I worked with a parent struggling with her son’s aggressive behavior. One of the things that stood out for me was the phrase she used to describe her 7-year-old son.
“Do you remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon with the Tasmanian Devil? He just comes into a room, destroys everything, turns everything upside down, and then takes off. That’s my son!”
I understood what she was describing. But one of the first things I pointed out to her was the use of the phrase Tasmanian Devil. By using this phrase to describe her son, she was setting herself up only to see and remember situations that validated her description.
I started to ask her about the times and situations when her son was not the Tasmanian Devil. Sure enough, she was able to identify plenty of instances when her child was respectful, polite, and obedient. But because of the phrase she was using to describe her son as a little devil, she only remembered and highlighted the examples that confirmed her label.
It was a perfect example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Words Influence What You Feel and How You Act
In his book, Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins talks about the concept of Transformational Vocabulary. The premise behind this concept is that our words shape how we feel and how we act towards someone.
If we refer to our partners as “That old lady” or “My other half” or “My crazy husband,” not only will it influence how we feel about our partners, but it will also affect how we treat them and how they treat us. Similarly, if we refer to our children as a goofball, little loser, or good-for-nothing, we will feel less connected to them and perhaps more resentful of who they are than if we were to use positive phrases and labels.
It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the phrase you use to describe the people you care about becomes the behavior you notice or focus on to support your expression.
The key, then, is to refer to the people you care about using words that represent how you want to feel about them. As a strategy, think of how you would like someone to describe you? Now, use those same words to describe someone you care about.
Change the words you use to describe someone, and it will change the way you interact with them and the way they interact with you.
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