“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.” – Alfred Adler
Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of any relationship – whether that relationship is with a friend, relative, or romantic partner.
But one of the most effective strategies to improve any relationship, and to resolve moments of conflict, is to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand why they might be upset with you.
And when you try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes – when you try to imagine what the other person might be feeling at that moment- you are practicing empathy.
Empathy is a Characteristic of Healthy Relationships
When I wrote about the five qualities that I notice are present in healthy, high-quality relationships, empathy was one of the qualities that I identified.
Empathy is essential in building and sustaining your relationships with others.
Connect with the Pain, Not the Problem
One strategy for being more empathetic in your relationships is to try and connect with the other person’s pain instead of their specific problem.
In other words, to be empathetic, it’s not necessary to have the same experiences as the other person. Instead, to demonstrate empathy, you need to concentrate more on the emotions the other person is feeling by imagining a time when you felt similarly.
Or, try to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes.
For example, you don’t have to lose a parent to empathize with someone who has just lost a parent. But, if you can imagine what it might be like to lose someone you care deeply about, you can better connect with and understand the pain the other person feels.
Or, if you can remember a time when you experienced a painful loss, then you can imagine the feeling the other person is now experiencing.
The objective is to imagine when you felt the same way they did and connect with that pain. When you try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine what they are going through, you are moving towards an empathetic response.
Empathy Strengthens Connection
Everyone is different, and all relationships will hit different turns and bumps. Some of the ‘bumps’ and challenges that another person is going through might be identical to yours. In those situations, it’s easier to understand their emotional experience.
But when your circumstances differ from someone else’s, it can be harder to understand what they are going through.
Remember that you don’t need to have the same experiences as the other person to demonstrate empathy. Instead, you need to connect with their emotions.
Empathy is connecting with someone’s pain without judgment, without feeling as though you have to solve their problem or compare your experiences with theirs.
And when you can do this, you deepen your connection with the other person, helping them feel understood while improving the quality of your relationship.
Richard