“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”
Nelson Mandela
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post on the five qualities that are typically found in healthy, long-lasting relationships, whether these relationships are with friends, family, or a romantic partner.
The fifth point on that list is forgiveness and tolerance.
In preparing for this post on forgiveness, one of the first things I thought about was a story I heard about Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton that happened many years ago.
The former US President visited Mandela while he was dealing with challenging relationships in the US Congress.
During his visit, Mandela took Bill Clinton on a tour of Robben Island – the prison where Mandela was held captive for 27 years. Mandela experienced torture and extreme punishment regularly while a prisoner there.
Yet, when Mandela became president of South Africa, he invited his jailers and the prison’s warden to his inauguration.
After touring the jail, Bill Clinton asked Mandela how he was able to forgive his jailers for all the torture and abuses they committed.
Mandela said that while he was in jail, he hated his jailers. He hated them for everything they did to him. But if he didn’t forgive his jailers after he was released, he would still be in prison – he would be in a mental prison of his own making.
Forgiveness Changes Our Interactions
While there might not be one standard definition of forgiveness, most definitions have some common aspects.
One common element is that forgiveness implies a person is less motivated to think, feel, or act negatively toward the person who committed the offense. In other words, when you practice forgiveness, it improves the dynamic of your relationship with the person who offended you.
Secondly, forgiveness is not something that someone is entitled to. Instead, forgiveness is a selfless gift — it is something that you choose to give.
The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness as “…a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.”
Forgiveness Improves Health
Research shows that one of the benefits of practicing forgiveness is that it can improve your overall health.
In their review of the literature on forgiveness and health, the authors found that practicing forgiveness benefits you psychologically (through reduced feelings of anxiety, depression, and PTSD) and physically (through reduced cardiovascular stress).
How Do We Forgive?
Dr. Everett Worthington, a clinical psychologist, and professor at Regent University, created a five-step model for helping individuals and couples practice forgiveness. It’s called the REACH model.
Here are the steps involved in his model:
1. Recall the hurt you felt and note the pain’s intensity on a scale of 0-10.
2. Empathy – try to empathize with the transgressor and imagine what it might be like from their eyes.
3. Altruistic – remember when others have forgiven you and what that felt like.
4. Commit to emotional forgiveness. When you forgive someone, commit to it.
5. Hold onto forgiveness. Make a point of remembering that you forgave the offender.
Forgiveness and Tolerance Are Hard Work
Tolerance is also a quality of long-lasting relationships.
When a person is practicing tolerance, they are practicing endurance and patience. They are trying hard to put up with behaviors that they usually wouldn’t put up with in anyone else.
Tolerance can lead you to have conversations with someone regarding their behavior, and these conversations could inspire change, even though you may have had those conversations many times before.
While practicing forgiveness and tolerance can improve your relationships, it doesn’t mean that you are allowing others to take advantage of you. Nor does it mean that you are weak.
Forgiving is hard work. And as Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
If you’ve been able to forgive someone for something they’ve done, then it’s evidence that you are stronger than you think.
Richard