As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”
—Maya Angelou
As a parent, husband, and psychologist, I’m always interested in how some of the events from our past impact the different roles and identities that some of us have.
I’m also interested in how people can build healthy relationships with others despite experiencing personal difficulties.
These are some of the topics I discussed in my most recent interview with Nicole Gilliis-Copping, a clinical social worker in Calgary, Alberta, who specializes in the impact of trauma on children, couples, and families.
You can see the entire interview by clicking here.
Exploring the three Rs of self-regulation: regulate, relate, and reason
Nicole and I worked together many years ago in community mental health. We both counselled people from all walks of life dealing with various issues.
Fast-forward 15 years. Not only do we continue to work in similar areas all these years later, but we’ve also become parents of multiples: I have twins, and Nicole has triplets!
With this in mind, some of the points in our conversation I was most curious about involved parenting and relationships.
Here are a few things that stood out for me from our conversation:
1. Regulate Yourself, then Regulate Your Child
One definition of “regulate” is to “control or maintain the rate or speed of (a machine or process) so that it operates smoothly.”
The same principle applies to mental and emotional health: we must regulate ourselves to operate as smoothly as possible.
This is also one of the first steps to calm and nurture a child’s well-being. We want our children to be able to manage their bodies and minds independently.
However, for this to happen, a parent also needs to be able to regulate their own emotions first. By doing so, you are modelling healthy emotional responses for your kids.
2. Relate by Validating Their Experiences
Validation is a powerful tool.
It can nurture another person’s ability to self-regulate. When we acknowledge and validate another person’s experiences, especially a child’s, we create a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
By validating their feelings, we teach them that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and that those emotions are valid. This validation forms the foundation for healthy emotional regulation and self-awareness in children.
3. Reasoning and Problem-Solving
Parenting is often a delicate dance between validation and problem-solving. We want our children to feel validated and heard, to turn to us when they’re struggling with a difficulty or personal challenge.
But it’s also crucial to guide them in finding solutions to their challenges.
Validating their pain doesn’t mean we will solve their problems. However, when a child feels validated, we empower them to navigate difficult situations while feeling supported and understood.
Doing so illustrates how we use Reason to empower their ability to cope with distress.
Using the 3 R’s On Ourselves
It’s hard to rationalize when you feel stressed, worried, angry, or afraid. In those moments, take a deep breath and calm down.
Then, try talking to someone about what you’re going through. It can help you feel validated, sometimes reminding you that you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing.
When these two steps happen, you are regulating yourself, which will allow you to approach your situation with reason and calm.
These are the R’s in practice, and they summarize a great approach to dealing with life’s challenges.
Richard