Every month I devote a blog post that deals with parenting. You can read these posts on TWINS Magazine.
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Since the start of the pandemic about two years ago, everyone’s emotional state has been elevated a bit more than usual. Elevated emotional states are especially true for parents, who not only need to manage their own emotions but need to deal with their children’s emotional states as well.
In the last few posts, I’ve written about the process of change – the different stages one goes through when looking to change something within themselves or their life.
But what happens when change is forced upon you, as in the case of a pandemic? How can you manage the emotions that emerge?
The way you handle the emotions associated with change has a lot to do with what you remember about how your parents managed their emotions.
Parents Teach Children How to Manage Distress
I often ask my therapy clients how their parent(s) or caregivers managed and expressed anger, sadness, worry, and stress.
- What would your father do when he was angry? What would your mother do when she was angry?
- Did you ever see your father or mother get anxious and nervous? How did they handle those emotions?
- Did you see them worry about a lot of things? What did you notice?
The reason for asking these questions is because it provides insight into how the client expresses and manages different emotions.
Simply put, the way a person manages their emotions is strongly influenced by what they learned from watching how their parents managed those same emotions.
Bessel Van Der Kolk, a psychiatrist specializing in trauma, says this:
As we grow up, we gradually learn to take care of ourselves, both physically and emotionally, but we get our first lessons in self-care from the way that we are cared for. Mastering the skill of self-regulation depends to a large degree on how harmonious our early interactions with our caregivers are. Children whose parents are reliable sources of comfort and strength have a lifetime advantage—a kind of buffer against the worst that fate can hand them. (The Body Keeps the Score, p. 112)
Applying this to your life
With this in mind, here is one thing to think about as you navigate the many emotions you experience during this pandemic:
Focus on solutions rather than problems.
It’s OK to let your children know how frustrated you are with working remotely, managing school schedules, vaccinations, COVID tests…and on and on.
However, it’s even more important for your children to see you looking for solutions and finding healthy ways to cope with these frustrations.
When you focus on finding solutions to the situations that make you feel stressed, worried, angry, and frustrated, you are teaching your children to be patient, thoughtful, and proactive — valuable skills that they will carry throughout life.
Summary
If you find yourself getting frustrated and stressed, that’s OK. You’re human.
But what’s even more important is that your children see that when mom or dad get frustrated, they do healthy things to get themselves back into balance.
I hope this message helps with your ability to manage change and move you towards growth.
Richard