In January 1999, I moved to Portland, Oregon, in the US. It was my first semester of graduate school at Lewis and Clark College.
I spent my undergraduate years attending the University of Toronto at Mississauga – a 15-minute car ride from the comforts of home. So, you can imagine how pumped (and anxious) I was about moving to a new city on the other side of the continent.
There were a lot of happy moments and a lot of difficult moments during my time in Portland. Here is one of them.
New city, New emotions
It was a Monday afternoon in the middle of March 1999 – the Monday of Spring Break. I was sitting alone in my room in a house that I shared with two other students, people I didn’t know well and who were doing their own thing.
Then, out of the blue, an unexpected feeling overtook me.
At first, I didn’t know what exactly I was feeling. I knew it wasn’t sadness or anxiousness. It was something else. After a few moments, I finally realized the emotion sweeping over me. It was loneliness.
Loneliness is very different from being alone. You can feel lonely and still surrounded by people. Similarly, you can be alone but not feel lonely. Loneliness is an internal experience that a person has due to feeling disconnected. Loneliness happens when you feel like you don’t belong.
Given that I had only been living in Portland for two months, I hadn’t yet made any friends. I was also unfamiliar with the city, so I had no idea where or what to do. As a result, I lacked connection and belonging. I felt isolated, and this isolation led to the feeling of loneliness.
Tips for Overcoming Loneliness
Below are just a few tips that worked for me in managing moments of loneliness.
1. Remind yourself of the connections you already have.
One way to lessen the feeling of loneliness is to remind yourself of the groups you already belong to and the people you already know. Then, reach out to them. Make a call, send a text or email, or start a video chat. Connecting with the people who already exist in your life can lessen the intensity of loneliness.
2. Be patient.
When I look back at the moments when I felt lonely, they all occurred when I had moved to a new city. Feelings of loneliness often accompany life changes and transitions (e.g., a new job, moving to a new city, or dealing with some kind of loss). Relationships and meaningful connections take time to build, and it often takes several months before you successfully work through a transition. Give yourself time to adapt to your new reality. Be patient.
3. Keep yourself busy.
Listen to music, read a book, go for a walk, take up a new hobby – do something that can keep you active and occupied. Me, I took up the acoustic guitar. My guitar became my therapist. Every time I played a note, I felt lighter and calmer. When you find an activity that can distract and entertain you, you loneliness will start to lift away.
Summary
If you’re feeling lonely, put it into perspective against your whole life. Recognize that you are experiencing a moment or a period of loneliness and that these moments are part of what it means to be human.
Richard
If you enjoyed this post, then pick up my new book, The Promise Wheel: Psychology For Growth and a Balanced Life. I provide dozens of strategies and insights on how to improve your health, relationships, and career so that you can achieve personal balance, feel less stressed, and have fun again.