It’s easy to be hard on yourself and doubt your abilities.
When discussing the role of thoughts and self-talk with my counselling clients, I’m always attentive to the kinds of words a person uses to describe themselves and their feelings.
Using phrases like, “I’m always screwing up in my relationships,” or, “I never know what to say when I’m in a meeting,” are examples of all-or-nothing thinking and can make a person feel worse about themselves.
But what if you were to be kinder and more compassionate with yourself? What if you were to accept yourself with all of your faults and flaws and forgive yourself for any wrongs you may have done?
More specifically, how would a little bit of self-compassion affect your overall mood?
Self-Compassion Can Change Your Mood
One of the pioneers in the study of self-compassion is Dr. Kristin Neff. Neff has been researching self-compassion for a couple of decades at the University of California.
According to Neff, self-compassion is about “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”
In one study that looked at the impact of self-compassion on people with depression, researchers found that depressed individuals who practiced self-compassion improved their mood more than depressed people who just practiced acceptance and those that practiced re-appraisal (I.e., changed the way they were thinking).
When you exercise self-compassion and forgive yourself for some of the things you have said or done, you are changing negative mood states (e.g., shame, guilt) into more pleasant emotions (e.g., kindness and understanding).
Practicing Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Neff, here are two points to keep in mind as you work on practicing self-compassion.
1. Be kind to yourself.
As Buddha once said, life is full of suffering. No matter what you and I do, it’s impossible to stop suffering from happening. However, just because you might be experiencing something painful doesn’t mean you must be hard on yourself.
Accept that you might be in a difficult moment and treat yourself with the same kindness and care you would give to a suffering friend.
2. Being self-compassionate is something that we learn.
According to Neff, once you start being compassionate with yourself, you start recognizing all the times in your life when others weren’t compassionate with you.
This can be uncomfortable and painful, leading you to abandon the practice of self-compassion altogether. However, as mentioned in point 1 above, you must be compassionate with yourself in those moments when you are reliving those uncomfortable memories.
Self-Compassion Can Help You Heal from Trauma
In some of my posts on trauma, I discuss how all forms of violence and abuse are painful and traumatic. Contributing to their pain are feelings of shame and humiliation that survivors experience for something they had no control over.
The irony is that we are more likely to show deep compassion for others than we offer ourselves. But if you were to turn that compassion inward and practice self-compassion, you would be helping yourself to overcome and heal from trauma while teaching others how to do the same.
Richard
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