“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.”
― J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence
The other day, while driving, I came across two unique boundaries.
The first type of boundary was just a few orange pylons spaced out neatly along the highway. Any car could have easily driven over the bright orange plastic cones and onto the other lane, but all motorists respected what the pylons represented. These small pylons indicated that no one could cross into a particular area.
The second time, a few days later, the boundary on the road was much larger and more clearly defined. In this case, a large fence with concrete barriers blocked my usual route. It was apparent that the road was under construction.
In both these cases, the purpose for these boundaries was the same, even though the boundaries looked utterly different.
The message implied was: You need to stay back. You are not permitted to cross over.
There are Different Types of Boundaries
I like sharing a few concepts about boundaries with my clients whenever the topic arises. The first concept is to recognize that there are different types of boundaries.
Here are a few examples.
Physical boundaries – your personal space defines these. You might allow some people to get physically close to you, but not others.
Conversational boundaries – This refers to the types of conversations you’re comfortable having with some people and conversations you’re not comfortable having with others. For example, the things my wife and I discuss with each other are different from what we share with our kids.
Material boundaries – refers to objects you might be comfortable sharing with others. For example, I’m happy to share particular possessions with some people but not with others.
Financial boundaries – This refers to your finances and monetary possessions. For example, some people in relationships might want to pool their money into one bank account. Others might want to have a separate bank account from their significant other. Or, they might have a variation of both. How you share your finances and wealth reflects your financial boundaries.
Sexual boundaries – Healthy sexual boundaries reflect a mutual understanding between consenting adults. When there is unwanted sexual contact, this boundary is violated.
There are other types of boundaries, such as time, spiritual, and intellectual boundaries. What’s important is for you to recognize where your boundary begins and where it ends, and how it applies to certain relationships you are involved in.
Boundaries Provide Clarity in Our Relationships
The second concept I like to share about boundaries is that they are often fluid and can change according to the circumstances you find yourself in. For example, you might recall a time in one of your relationships when your boundary was relatively insignificant and small (think small orange pylons).
But then, one day, this person did something to break your trust in them. So now, you might want to erect a more significant boundary that creates more space between you and this other person (think of a wooden fence six feet tall).
The point is that boundaries help to separate you from others. They let others know where they stand and remind you of how close you should get before you lose yourself completely and get hurt.
Either way, boundaries change as you and your relationships change. And they help to clarify what you are willing and not willing to tolerate from the people in your life.
Richard
***P.S. If you would like help identifying and developing better boundaries with others, feel free to connect with one of our therapists. They’re professional, warm, and skilled in helping you clarify and create the boundaries you want in your life.