“Choose to be optimistic. It feels better.”
– Dali Lama
Challenges, arguments, and bumps throughout the day happen to all of us. Even though your days and weeks might have numerous positive (or neutral) experiences, challenging moments that last only a few seconds can quickly hijack your mood and ruin the entire day.
Here are a few examples of what I mean.
Example 1. You had a great day at work, then on the drive home, somebody gives you the finger and yells, “F*&#@ Off!” Now, you fixate on that 10-second interaction and completely forget about your productive day at work.
Example 2. You had a pleasant coffee date with a friend, catching up on life and reminiscing. Then, as you check your social media feed, you see a nasty message left by someone you barely know. You forget the fun coffee date and focus on that ugly message instead.
Sound familiar?
Focusing on the negative is something we all do. It’s called negativity bias. However, specific types of biases help to describe the situations above in more particular terms.
Here are a few types of thinking traps and some questions to help you get out of them.
Types of Thinking Traps and Cognitive Distortions
1. Mental Filtering.
This thinking trap happens when you focus exclusively on negative or upsetting aspects of something while ignoring all the positive or neutral things. For example, you focus on the one thing you did wrong while ignoring the nine things you did right.
Solution: Ask yourself: Is it realistic to expect me to go through life without making mistakes or upsetting anyone? Is it possible that a few people won’t like everything I say or do?
2. Magnification.
Ever find yourself making a big deal out of nothing? Or, as the expression goes, “Making a mountain out of a molehill?” In this thinking trap, we tend to overstate or magnify the significance of something. For example, you forgot to say “thank you” to a friend and now worry that the relationship will fail.
Solution: Ask yourself: Is this so significant that I cannot recover from it? Could I be blowing things out of proportion?
3. Labelling and Mislabeling.
You give yourself or someone else a label when you don’t have much evidence to support it. For example, you see a picture of a couple smiling while on vacation and say to yourself, “Wow, that couple must have a perfect life.”
Another example: you make a mistake and now find yourself saying, “I’m such an idiot!! Why am I so stupid?!!”
Solution: Ask yourself: Am I rushing to make a judgment? Am I being fair to myself or to these other people?
Awareness is the First Step
I realize that changing your thinking is much more complex than it appears on paper. After all, when distressing events happen, it’s hard to think clearly.
But sometimes, being aware of the different thinking traps you might be putting yourself into can be enough to shift your mood, even if only a little.
When you get stressed because of what happens to you, stop, take a deep breath, and try to recognize if you’re thinking in a biased way. If so, try to shift your thinking and look at things differently.
Remember that a slight shift in your thinking can lead to a big shift in your mood. And if it takes to much effort to shift your thinking, then do your best to let go of the situation and do something else.
Life is too short to dwell on the things that hijack our day.
Richard